Post by Sandy on Jul 15, 2009 10:27:26 GMT -5
Oh Herro everyone!!! Did I hear you all say you wanted me to make a roast? What for! We already HAVE a roast guys….
Leave me the fuck alone, get out your forks, and have at her!!! Wait a minute…OH SHIT. That’s BRITTANY isn’t it. Sorry, sometimes I can’t tell the difference. Don’t even get me STARTED on this retarded bitch, I could write an entire book on how much I hate her and how completely retarded she is. Oh wait….I DID!
Fuck, where do I start. Let’s start at her oh so photoshopped banner picture.
That’s right, I said Photoshopped! Because NO that isn’t Britt’s real hair. No WAY she could get a sexy new ‘doo like that. A friend had to Photoshop Britt into hair that looked good! LOL! When I saw the original cast, I was like “Wow, Britt really cleans up.” But no. Only Photoshop could clean HER disgusting ass up. I should have seen that one coming am I right?!?! BWAHAHA!!
Britt has been sitting on her ass this ENTIRE game. She was always in a tribe with a majority of faves and was never in any danger whatsoever. The bitch is sitting playing patty cake and doing nothing. Typical. I’m pretty sure that’s how Peru went as well, except that she at least had her lesbo lover Caydie to have retarded bitch sex with in Peru. FUN TIMES!
Brittany is the sole reason that I am now Pro-Choice, because with any luck, more retarded babies will be killed off and we wont have to put up with "MENTALLY CHALLENGED" people like her…
Momma shoulda aborted THAT one!
I could literally go on for hours about my hatred for Brittany, but I wouldn’t want put anyone through the torture of hearing me talk about her for that long. I've heard thinking about Brittany long enough causes cancer….just like the cancer that Brittany is to every living thing around her. If we’re lucky enough, God will take mercy and smite her ass before she rots our fucking souls.
MOVING ON from the Retarded Bitch, who do we have next? I see someone with a face that looks like they just sucked off an elephant and are still holding a quart of elephant jizz in their mouth. Oh wait, that’s not an elephant cum guzzling whore! It’s JOEY! I forgot, he always looks like that
.
I was out shopping the other day, and I could have SWORN I saw Joey running around. I took a picture because I was so shocked…
Oh LORD! Is that….is THAT…..IT IS!!!!!
MOOSEKNUCKLE! Ahhhh!!!! Ew. *Barfs*. But wait a minute….that CAN’T be Joey! That dude is WAY too skinny and doesn’t have the super fried fake “tanning bed” tan that Joey always has! WTF! Oh….shit. That isn’t Joey. I found a real picture of him though…
Oh there we go, that one definitely looks more like Joey. But he STILL HAS MAJOR MOOSEKNUCKLE!!! AHHH! No wonder I thought that other guy was Joey, I saw his mooseknuckle and just *assumed* it was Joey since only Joey usually has mooseknuckle that fucking bad. *Double Barf*.
Joey is so worthless. DERPA DERR!!! I jumped to the minority alliance and I am fine with that!!! I’m probably out next!! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? Joey would have been the FIRST person out if I didn’t take pity on his retarded ass and basically give him all the answers to the challenge in Week 1 so that he would be saved. And how does he repay me? By backstabbing me when I finally needed him. Fuck you Joey! You shouldn’t even be here.
Speaking of ungrateful, backstabbing, cum guzzling whores, what the HELL is up with that newf-tard LORII?? Watch out, Lorii isn’t just *any* cum guzzling whore. No, Lorii prefers her mouth to be filled with the sperm of the majestic spawning salmon of Newfland. It’s mating season and Lorii is in heat!!! Oh my god, is that her trying to swim upstream to get some cum guzzling action?!?
God Lorii, you’ll never get past that log!!! Is it really worth it?? Of course it is, you slut. That’s because there are NO HOT GUYS in Newfoundland!!! Well, no straight ones that is (HEY MATT DIDHAM!). The only action Lorii is gonna get is with the FEESHES. Unfortunately, all the fish are gay too. MOTHERFUCKIN GAY FISH! So poor Lorii swam all the way upstream and died alone. Probably what’s going to happen to her in this game after she abandoned all of her friends. One can only hope right?! Kazaam!
Oh, and don’t get me *started* on that pretty boy JEFFREY. The kid is a TOTAL freak. I mean, I know everyone makes fun of me for liking to fuck sheep and all, but for God’s sakes, this kid is even freakier. He likes to dress up LIKE sheep just so he can lure unsuspecting sheepfuckers such as myself into raping him in the ass because Jeffrey likes it up the butt so goddamn much. Check out this snapshot I got from a security camera on the street!!!
What a disgusting human being. Prostituting himself around like a goddamn sheep WHORE. It’s sick. I am seriously considering buying Dolly, the inflatable fuckable sheep doll:
…because I am so afraid that every real sheep I fuck is Jeffrey and I’ll get some disease from his sperm-dumpster ass. Kill me now.
Not only is Jeffrey a freak, but he’s being a TOTAL third wheel to Alex and I. Like…STEP OFF BITCH! Alex is mine, and Alex loves me, and your jealous ass just can’t take the fact that he likes me better >=DDDDD. This ain’t no love triangle, bitch, it’s a love umm…..straight line. And you aren’t even on the same fucking PLANE as Alex and I. MuahahahAHAHA (sorry….math joke :/). But seriously, you know what Confucius say: “Car with terd wheel drive crooked.” Why don’t you roll your third wheel ass somewhere else!?! Fuck off!
Speaking of ALEX, where to start with this kid?? He tells us all he is straight for the longest time, then like, he falls in love with me or something?? WTF. Make up your mind. He still claims to be straight and that he only likes me. Is that an insult or what?! Do I look like a girl or something? Screw you Alex! It’s okay though, I don’t think Alex is gay. I don’t even think he knows how to spell “Homosexual” ^_^. I’m just irresistible! Really though, the dude is messed up. I don’t think I’m EVER going to think of Alex the same way after….well….THAT NIGHT. I *was* going to give a much more realistic visual image of this with Alex’s face on it, but I will spare everyone the disgust and just show you this metaphoric representation of Alex on THAT NIGHT…
HE PUKED ON SKYPE!!! Everyone on that call will forever remember drunk ass Alex coming online, drinking himself to death, and then PUKING right on the call!! We could hear every heave and every splash EW! Learn how to hold your alcohol Alex. The only thing worse than Alex barfing on our skype call is his typing when he’s drunk. It’s like a two year old is just ramming his head on the keyboard and pressing enter. Usually I can understand “drunk” but Alex is just pitiful. Hold on…let me LITERALLY bash my head on my keyboard for a demonstration…
Gfthyu7u8huyjiytgrt5g nbh nb nb h bnbg
In fact, that may be fucking MORE legible than Alex’s pathetic excuse for typing. BTW Alex, learn what the fuck a cucumber is. I know you’re “straight” and all, and unlike Joey, have probably never shoved a cucumber up your ass, but at least try and get with the times!
And as if this roast wasn’t filled with enough animal sex already, I think I see a couple of tortoises making love in the distance! WTF….
Oh, shit, those aren’t TORTOISES. It’s JASON and ALYSSA having sex. Or trying to hmmm. They’ve been together this whole fucking game it’s like friggen god, they might as well be screwing each other in front of us all. What’s the HOLD UP? They are so fucking slow. It’s like “dirka derrrr where do I insert my p33n?” Just DO IT already!!! I think Alyssa is definitely the MAN in this relationships, the girl has to have some balls hidden somewhere. Alyssa actually wins challenges and there is no way a woman could be that smart. Got to have a big floppy dick...
Maybe that moose we thought we were seeing was actually camel
. Also, I’m putting Jason and Alyssa together for a reason: because they are basically not even distinct people in this friggen game. They aren’t worth two different roasts when they are basically one player with two votes. They always stick together, they always use the same scare tactics, and they’re both just as brash as they are transparent. Seriously, when is it time try something NEW?
Alright, I think that covers everyone. Roast over. Thanks everyone, that’s a wrap!!!...
Wait WHAT? There’s three more people in the game??? Fucking WHO! Arby, Tucker, and Evan? WTF. Oh come now. Those are just fans. They aren’t ACTUAL players. Do I really have to roast them? Ugh. Fine. I guess it should at least be easy. Actually, it’s kind of hard since these three guys are SO fucking lame. I don’t think I could think of anything humorous to say about them, it’s all just SAD. I spose I’ll try.
We’ll start with Arby. RB?? Arbies?? Are Bees? ARE BEES WHAT?!? AHHHH!!!!!! Well, bees are going extinct. And just like the bees, Arbies will be going extinct soon too if he keeps acting like such a fucking tool. Seriously, we used to be friends, and the first (and only) real conversation I have with the guy, he tells me about how the ORG community has turned its back on him and doesn’t like him anymore. I am sympathetic. Then he acts like a total douche every time I talk to him! PFT! Maybe everyone hates you because you’re a boring jackass. Ever think of that?? Someone's got a HUGE stick up their butt. Wait a sec. That isn’t a stick…
It’s the new BBQ Bacon Cheddar Roast Burger from Arby’s! AND IT’S SUPERSIZED! Omg!!! No wonder RB has been such a stuck up prick. I’d be a suspecting douche to all my friends too if I had that shoved up my ass! I can’t even think of anything else to say about RB because he has been so dull this entire game. Could he do anything interesting? Please? Get in a fight? Something? I’m not getting my hopes up.
Next up is “TUCKER” or “Rob” or whatever the fuck his name is. Hello, I’m Tucker, I’m from England and I’m all charming and shit. Fuck you, seriously. Without his witty English accent, Tucker just comes across as a weirdo. He looks like someone took a normal person and then pumped their face with a few cubic litres of air…
Like seriously, is your ego that inflated, or were you just born that way? FREAK! That’s probably why his girlfriend dumped him….I’d have done the same thing! Dumped his ass with the trash!!!!
He was probably dumped because his body prolly uses so much blood to support that head that he can’t get it up :X. Girl made the right choice!
OKAY, LAST ONE! I’m TIRED and almost done, and EVAN isn’t even worth it. I mean the dude basically roasts himself am I right? But I will muster up what little strength I have left and do it anyway since it’s so easy. Where do I begin?!
First of all, how about a big LOL at me being number 1 on Evan’s most want to date list for the guys. I don’t even know if Evan likes the boys or not, but the way he was kissing my ass back on the other tribe, I would think he was a fucking homo. That’s all Evan EVER seems to do is kiss some major ass! He has this huge pity story. Omg, no one ever gives me a chance!! No one likes me! I just want a chance to play! Evan, no one likes you or wants to ally with you because you’re a disgusting grease ball! You’re like 30, why are you even playing these games? I shouldn’t even be playing these games. Get a career or something!
Know what Evan reminds me of? One of those dishes on thisiswhyyourefat.com. You know, super greasy, full of fat, and makes me want to vomit just by looking at it. For example…
Deep Fried Cheeseburger On-A-Stick? Meet Deep Friend Evan On-A-Stick!!! Next we have…
How do we make the Pizza Party (A DiGiorno pizza on top of a Jack’s pizza topped with Totino’s pizza rolls) evan more disgusting?? Why, just throw some EVAN on there and you’ll be breaking scales in no time!! Last but not least…
Lardz (Deep fried lard balls topped with sugar) meet EVANZ (Deep fried Evan balls topped with sugar). They are basically the exact same thing! I think I might actually throw up. I don’t think I can talk or think about Evan any longer, so I am going to wrap up…
Shit, I did forget one person. That FUCKER Erik. Seriously, what is with that kid? Doesn’t the sheep fucking thing ever get old? I mean for God’s sakes, it was kinda funny the first time, but seriously, it’s ANNOYING now. STFU! And why is like his whole roast about bestiality and animal sex? So dumb. I seriously hate how everyone just loves Erik's perverted ass and he’s this huge loved winner, yet no one wants to do anything about it. La te fucking dah. You aren’t that fucking great Erik, and I’m SO happy people are finally realizing that and jumping ship on your bitch ass. I hope you burn in hell.
ANYWAY, that about wraps up my roast guys. It only took me like 5 hours. I hope you enjoyed
.
Leave me the fuck alone, get out your forks, and have at her!!! Wait a minute…OH SHIT. That’s BRITTANY isn’t it. Sorry, sometimes I can’t tell the difference. Don’t even get me STARTED on this retarded bitch, I could write an entire book on how much I hate her and how completely retarded she is. Oh wait….I DID!
Fuck, where do I start. Let’s start at her oh so photoshopped banner picture.
That’s right, I said Photoshopped! Because NO that isn’t Britt’s real hair. No WAY she could get a sexy new ‘doo like that. A friend had to Photoshop Britt into hair that looked good! LOL! When I saw the original cast, I was like “Wow, Britt really cleans up.” But no. Only Photoshop could clean HER disgusting ass up. I should have seen that one coming am I right?!?! BWAHAHA!!
Britt has been sitting on her ass this ENTIRE game. She was always in a tribe with a majority of faves and was never in any danger whatsoever. The bitch is sitting playing patty cake and doing nothing. Typical. I’m pretty sure that’s how Peru went as well, except that she at least had her lesbo lover Caydie to have retarded bitch sex with in Peru. FUN TIMES!
Brittany is the sole reason that I am now Pro-Choice, because with any luck, more retarded babies will be killed off and we wont have to put up with "MENTALLY CHALLENGED" people like her…
Momma shoulda aborted THAT one!
I could literally go on for hours about my hatred for Brittany, but I wouldn’t want put anyone through the torture of hearing me talk about her for that long. I've heard thinking about Brittany long enough causes cancer….just like the cancer that Brittany is to every living thing around her. If we’re lucky enough, God will take mercy and smite her ass before she rots our fucking souls.
MOVING ON from the Retarded Bitch, who do we have next? I see someone with a face that looks like they just sucked off an elephant and are still holding a quart of elephant jizz in their mouth. Oh wait, that’s not an elephant cum guzzling whore! It’s JOEY! I forgot, he always looks like that
. I was out shopping the other day, and I could have SWORN I saw Joey running around. I took a picture because I was so shocked…
Oh LORD! Is that….is THAT…..IT IS!!!!!
MOOSEKNUCKLE! Ahhhh!!!! Ew. *Barfs*. But wait a minute….that CAN’T be Joey! That dude is WAY too skinny and doesn’t have the super fried fake “tanning bed” tan that Joey always has! WTF! Oh….shit. That isn’t Joey. I found a real picture of him though…
Oh there we go, that one definitely looks more like Joey. But he STILL HAS MAJOR MOOSEKNUCKLE!!! AHHH! No wonder I thought that other guy was Joey, I saw his mooseknuckle and just *assumed* it was Joey since only Joey usually has mooseknuckle that fucking bad. *Double Barf*.
Joey is so worthless. DERPA DERR!!! I jumped to the minority alliance and I am fine with that!!! I’m probably out next!! ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? Joey would have been the FIRST person out if I didn’t take pity on his retarded ass and basically give him all the answers to the challenge in Week 1 so that he would be saved. And how does he repay me? By backstabbing me when I finally needed him. Fuck you Joey! You shouldn’t even be here
. Speaking of ungrateful, backstabbing, cum guzzling whores, what the HELL is up with that newf-tard LORII?? Watch out, Lorii isn’t just *any* cum guzzling whore. No, Lorii prefers her mouth to be filled with the sperm of the majestic spawning salmon of Newfland. It’s mating season and Lorii is in heat!!! Oh my god, is that her trying to swim upstream to get some cum guzzling action?!?
God Lorii, you’ll never get past that log!!! Is it really worth it?? Of course it is, you slut. That’s because there are NO HOT GUYS in Newfoundland!!! Well, no straight ones that is (HEY MATT DIDHAM!). The only action Lorii is gonna get is with the FEESHES. Unfortunately, all the fish are gay too. MOTHERFUCKIN GAY FISH! So poor Lorii swam all the way upstream and died alone. Probably what’s going to happen to her in this game after she abandoned all of her friends
. One can only hope right?! Kazaam! Oh, and don’t get me *started* on that pretty boy JEFFREY. The kid is a TOTAL freak. I mean, I know everyone makes fun of me for liking to fuck sheep and all, but for God’s sakes, this kid is even freakier. He likes to dress up LIKE sheep just so he can lure unsuspecting sheepfuckers such as myself into raping him in the ass because Jeffrey likes it up the butt so goddamn much. Check out this snapshot I got from a security camera on the street!!!
What a disgusting human being. Prostituting himself around like a goddamn sheep WHORE. It’s sick. I am seriously considering buying Dolly, the inflatable fuckable sheep doll:
…because I am so afraid that every real sheep I fuck is Jeffrey and I’ll get some disease from his sperm-dumpster ass. Kill me now.
Not only is Jeffrey a freak, but he’s being a TOTAL third wheel to Alex and I. Like…STEP OFF BITCH! Alex is mine, and Alex loves me, and your jealous ass just can’t take the fact that he likes me better >=DDDDD. This ain’t no love triangle, bitch, it’s a love umm…..straight line. And you aren’t even on the same fucking PLANE as Alex and I. MuahahahAHAHA (sorry….math joke :/). But seriously, you know what Confucius say: “Car with terd wheel drive crooked.” Why don’t you roll your third wheel ass somewhere else!?! Fuck off!
Speaking of ALEX, where to start with this kid?? He tells us all he is straight for the longest time, then like, he falls in love with me or something?? WTF. Make up your mind. He still claims to be straight and that he only likes me. Is that an insult or what?! Do I look like a girl or something? Screw you Alex! It’s okay though, I don’t think Alex is gay. I don’t even think he knows how to spell “Homosexual” ^_^. I’m just irresistible! Really though, the dude is messed up. I don’t think I’m EVER going to think of Alex the same way after….well….THAT NIGHT. I *was* going to give a much more realistic visual image of this with Alex’s face on it, but I will spare everyone the disgust and just show you this metaphoric representation of Alex on THAT NIGHT…
HE PUKED ON SKYPE!!! Everyone on that call will forever remember drunk ass Alex coming online, drinking himself to death, and then PUKING right on the call!! We could hear every heave and every splash EW! Learn how to hold your alcohol Alex. The only thing worse than Alex barfing on our skype call is his typing when he’s drunk. It’s like a two year old is just ramming his head on the keyboard and pressing enter. Usually I can understand “drunk” but Alex is just pitiful. Hold on…let me LITERALLY bash my head on my keyboard for a demonstration…
Gfthyu7u8huyjiytgrt5g nbh nb nb h bnbg
In fact, that may be fucking MORE legible than Alex’s pathetic excuse for typing. BTW Alex, learn what the fuck a cucumber is. I know you’re “straight” and all, and unlike Joey, have probably never shoved a cucumber up your ass, but at least try and get with the times!
And as if this roast wasn’t filled with enough animal sex already, I think I see a couple of tortoises making love in the distance! WTF….
Oh, shit, those aren’t TORTOISES. It’s JASON and ALYSSA having sex. Or trying to hmmm. They’ve been together this whole fucking game it’s like friggen god, they might as well be screwing each other in front of us all. What’s the HOLD UP? They are so fucking slow. It’s like “dirka derrrr where do I insert my p33n?” Just DO IT already!!! I think Alyssa is definitely the MAN in this relationships, the girl has to have some balls hidden somewhere. Alyssa actually wins challenges and there is no way a woman could be that smart. Got to have a big floppy dick...
Maybe that moose we thought we were seeing was actually camel
. Also, I’m putting Jason and Alyssa together for a reason: because they are basically not even distinct people in this friggen game. They aren’t worth two different roasts when they are basically one player with two votes. They always stick together, they always use the same scare tactics, and they’re both just as brash as they are transparent. Seriously, when is it time try something NEW? Alright, I think that covers everyone. Roast over. Thanks everyone, that’s a wrap!!!...
Wait WHAT? There’s three more people in the game??? Fucking WHO! Arby, Tucker, and Evan? WTF. Oh come now. Those are just fans. They aren’t ACTUAL players. Do I really have to roast them? Ugh. Fine. I guess it should at least be easy. Actually, it’s kind of hard since these three guys are SO fucking lame. I don’t think I could think of anything humorous to say about them, it’s all just SAD. I spose I’ll try.
We’ll start with Arby. RB?? Arbies?? Are Bees? ARE BEES WHAT?!? AHHHH!!!!!! Well, bees are going extinct. And just like the bees, Arbies will be going extinct soon too if he keeps acting like such a fucking tool. Seriously, we used to be friends, and the first (and only) real conversation I have with the guy, he tells me about how the ORG community has turned its back on him and doesn’t like him anymore. I am sympathetic. Then he acts like a total douche every time I talk to him! PFT! Maybe everyone hates you because you’re a boring jackass. Ever think of that?? Someone's got a HUGE stick up their butt. Wait a sec. That isn’t a stick…
It’s the new BBQ Bacon Cheddar Roast Burger from Arby’s! AND IT’S SUPERSIZED! Omg!!! No wonder RB has been such a stuck up prick
. I’d be a suspecting douche to all my friends too if I had that shoved up my ass! I can’t even think of anything else to say about RB because he has been so dull this entire game. Could he do anything interesting? Please? Get in a fight? Something? I’m not getting my hopes up.Next up is “TUCKER” or “Rob” or whatever the fuck his name is. Hello, I’m Tucker, I’m from England and I’m all charming and shit. Fuck you, seriously. Without his witty English accent, Tucker just comes across as a weirdo. He looks like someone took a normal person and then pumped their face with a few cubic litres of air…
Like seriously, is your ego that inflated, or were you just born that way? FREAK! That’s probably why his girlfriend dumped him….I’d have done the same thing! Dumped his ass with the trash!!!!
He was probably dumped because his body prolly uses so much blood to support that head that he can’t get it up :X. Girl made the right choice!
OKAY, LAST ONE! I’m TIRED and almost done, and EVAN isn’t even worth it. I mean the dude basically roasts himself am I right? But I will muster up what little strength I have left and do it anyway since it’s so easy. Where do I begin?!
First of all, how about a big LOL at me being number 1 on Evan’s most want to date list for the guys. I don’t even know if Evan likes the boys or not, but the way he was kissing my ass back on the other tribe, I would think he was a fucking homo. That’s all Evan EVER seems to do is kiss some major ass! He has this huge pity story. Omg, no one ever gives me a chance!! No one likes me! I just want a chance to play! Evan, no one likes you or wants to ally with you because you’re a disgusting grease ball! You’re like 30, why are you even playing these games? I shouldn’t even be playing these games. Get a career or something!
Know what Evan reminds me of? One of those dishes on thisiswhyyourefat.com. You know, super greasy, full of fat, and makes me want to vomit just by looking at it. For example…
Deep Fried Cheeseburger On-A-Stick? Meet Deep Friend Evan On-A-Stick!!! Next we have…
How do we make the Pizza Party (A DiGiorno pizza on top of a Jack’s pizza topped with Totino’s pizza rolls) evan more disgusting?? Why, just throw some EVAN on there and you’ll be breaking scales in no time!! Last but not least…
Lardz (Deep fried lard balls topped with sugar) meet EVANZ (Deep fried Evan balls topped with sugar). They are basically the exact same thing
! I think I might actually throw up. I don’t think I can talk or think about Evan any longer, so I am going to wrap up…Shit, I did forget one person. That FUCKER Erik. Seriously, what is with that kid? Doesn’t the sheep fucking thing ever get old? I mean for God’s sakes, it was kinda funny the first time, but seriously, it’s ANNOYING now. STFU! And why is like his whole roast about bestiality and animal sex? So dumb. I seriously hate how everyone just loves Erik's perverted ass and he’s this huge loved winner, yet no one wants to do anything about it. La te fucking dah. You aren’t that fucking great Erik, and I’m SO happy people are finally realizing that and jumping ship on your bitch ass. I hope you burn in hell.
ANYWAY, that about wraps up my roast guys. It only took me like 5 hours. I hope you enjoyed
.